I want to be here.
I’m just not a nice person.
I think today was the first time I was honest enough to say that.
I don’t think that excuses me from showing the love of Christ, or from exemplifying the “kindness that leads to repentance”. I think one could be kind with out having a demeanor that is traditionally classified as “nice.”
And I also don’t think that not being nice takes away the romance in relationships… It just means that the romance has to be real and not contrived.
Yea. I’m actually quite abrasive and have little patience for small thinking. There’s patience for other things… but not for smallness.
I’m cynical. Specifically toward things that have the potential to live great and free.
I’m tired of translating things. Of always having to let people know they’re valued and worth my time while also trying to have the conversation I’m having.
I don’t mind cooing children… But when I have to do that with my peers I feel completely dishonest and disconnected.
I also realize that the reason why I’m nice most of the time is because I really want/need people to be nice back. It gives me some sort of illusion for safety in my life. And I’ve been conscious of this fact for a while… But I think I’ve been handling it like a pill that I haven’t swallowed yet.
I think finally I swallowed it.
Using niceness works for customer service jobs… But it leaves the door open for manipulative and unbalanced expectations in real relationships. You end up tolerating things that undermine your value as a person.
I don’t dig it.
I think I’m in a good spot right now.
All I’ve got to do here is grow. To evaluate,to actively wait, and change.
I’ve been a part of this music project for over a year now. “I am a percussionist.” "I am a percussionist". Doesn’t feel real saying.
Most of my life seems to be that way. I’ve been meeting really awesome people. People who are a lot “cooler” than I’d ever care to be. I’ve been traveling. Playing music. Working as a waitress. And a booking agent for the band.
I’ve been taking percussion lessons because I think that’s the best way to take care of this time of my life. Because I think it’d be awesome to do commission work for local projects.
I’ve wrote and recorded a piece for a friend of mine, Michael. Though, he could have only used a part of it for the end product, I’m still really glad I decided to put my brain to something I’ve never practiced before.
And welI, like doing things like that… deciding that I’m capable, and figuring out a way to do what what ever it is. I’m finding that I’m a lot more capable of doing things than I realize most of the time. And that’s definitely true for everyone if it’s true for me.
Anyways, I’m seeing the common denominators in my life. The things that are consistent even in my inconsistencies. I think that’s a good start.
It means that even the mundane parts of my life can be infused with practices that will be good for all other adventures afoot.
Eventually, I’d like to go back to school again. Studying things that help me build other things. Maybe housing, maybe decor. Maybe something even less useful than decor. I don’t know. I know those sorts of things are in me, though.
My small prayer is to have the rest of my life infused with meaning and good practice. To have a wonderful story. To make things. Yea.
If you come to the back of this Starbucks I’ll give you my other chocolate cookie, and you can smell my sticky, shoe-less, feet.